I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
