I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
