If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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