I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize