I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
