i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
