Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
