I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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