Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
