so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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