I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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