I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
