last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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