I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize