And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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