I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
