Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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