You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
