Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just cropdusted the office
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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