I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
