omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
