Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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