____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
