I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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