I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
