Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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