I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize