I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
