i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
