Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
