I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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