Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
