He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
