I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
