Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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