We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
