So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
