We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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