It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
