i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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