she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
