please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
