So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
