My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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