Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
