I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Semen is not good for contacts.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
