my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
