i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
