He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
