im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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