yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
