I'm lost and stupid without you.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
