Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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