Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
