he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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