My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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